Tag: Author Ashley Crookham

My Unpopular Thoughts On Self Care

Recently, I had a birthday. My younger brother assumed I was not excited about it. He is thinking about the fanfare being over. No more themed cake, plastic table cloths, or party favor bags.

That is true. My mom did not rent out a roller skating rink and send up to eight hand written invitations (one whole pack) to those who wouldn’t be offended with a less formal query.

Actually, though, my birthday anniversary is more exciting than when I was in middle school. I did not know it then, but I had plenty of opportunities as a young teen to celebrate myself, demand attention, and direct my spare time. Now, my birthday is one of the few times, I told my little brother, I get to make the day about me.

What I really meant is that it is a time I don’t feel guilty about making things about me. I have a husband, children, family, pets, and a household. I work and care about my friends. I worry about planet Earth. There is always something I could be doing for someone else.

The self care movement portrays this very situation. A person putting everyone else first, and finally putting themselves first although the concept is foreign to them since they’ve felt too guilty to do so before.

 

Birthdays are a great time for indulgences. Asking to sleep in or for someone else to watch your kids while you get caught up on laundry and dishes without tiny interfering hands is a luxury. You can buy things you want but don’t need. You can pick where you order delivery and not feel greedy for adding a dessert to your online cart.

Breaking rules is an indulgence. We like to think of ourselves as good rule followers most of the time and that by doing so we earn the right to break a rule more than the other breakers of rules. In order to avoid guilt, we weigh ourselves as worthy.

 

So what would it take for us to feel good about “self care”?

I believe it demands you feel like you’ve been guilty whenever you thought about putting yourself first in order to feel good about now “changing” and doing something you enjoy. This may be re-writing the past just as people do when they want to believe they are good rule followers.

It demands you earn the right to put yourself first by being unselfish, although if you’re doing unselfish things in order to being selfish…

It demands there is a right way to do self care, and that those who do self care too much or without guilt are not as worthy of it.

 

People don’t like to admit how much they do for themselves, for some reason. If I focus on the negatives of today: I didn’t get as much sleep as I wanted, did chores instead of sitting down, and didn’t get to buy things that could have made my day easier. If I focus on the positives: I made the most of getting woken early by the dog to drink coffee while it was still hot, chose dinner tonight based on what I fancied out of our choices, and did laundry for the reward of wearing a new hoodie. Yes, I spent most of the day slaving at the sink in purple gloves, at my children’s butts, and stooped in front of the litter box. I still can’t deny that I listened to my music when my children would have preferred Baby Shark on repeat.

We help others at times because we enjoy it, and deny others the joy of doing things for us when we don’t allow them to aid us. Who can say they are wholly worthy?

 

Self care might lead us to thinking more negatively about our lives in the anticipation of accruing the right to luxuriate. Perhaps companies are hoping this will lead to us spending on our self care.

This reminds me of the push towards efficiency.

“You work hard.

You get a lot done.

You deserve this tool

to make things easier

so you can be more efficient than others

and get more things done than them in less time.

Your reward is time to yourself

without sacrificing the prestige.

All you have to do is buy our product.”

This led to more efficiency as an expectation without prestige or more free time. I’m tired of thinking that things need to equal out and I’m afraid for this new trend. What will self care lead to? What will need to be elevated or demonized in order for the new rules to be written?

 

Personally, I want self care to be a normal part of life, free from scrutiny of others. I do not want to wonder what sacrifices warranted someone getting their own preference. I think serving others and our selves can be balanced if you want, unbalanced if you do not. I do not crave a reward of approval if I choose to serve others. I want to be happy when people treat themselves no matter the circumstances. I think taking cares of ourselves helps us all be stronger as a whole just as much as bolstering others.

 

What are you thoughts on this? Do you think #selfcare is benefitting us all?

What Do You Know About Gift Economy?

You come home to a package on your door. You haven’t ordered anything, and see your name hand-written.

It’s a gift.

You bring it inside. No matter what is in it, you know you’ll be pleased. It could be something you need, something you want, something you haven’t thought of, or a mixture.

You open it up to see your surprises and a note from a friend. It warms your heart that she’s been thinking of you and knows you well enough to gather these items.

Naturally, you think of what you can send to her. What can she use that you may have or need? What have you found out about that may delight her too?

She hasn’t expected a return- but you now have the desire. You may not have much spare money to purchase something for her. You may have to give up something for yourself to pay back her favor. Or you could craft something creatively.

You think of other people who could use an unexpected package. You stay up late to make things, work an extra shift to help with shipping costs. You give an extra product to someone random because you can. You’re known as the inspired friend.


You come home to a package on your door. You’ve ordered something online and it has come in. You waited to order it when the arbitrary price the seller agreed to went down. You waited to order it when you worked enough hours at a set wage to get paid and put that money in a bank account you can draw from.

You chose exactly what you wanted. You worked for it, and it feels good to buy yourself what you craved. At the end of this day, you owe no one anything.


The term gift economy was a new one to me. After a lifetime of trading work for value and cashing that value in for goods and services, the concept is foreign.

In a gift economy, there is no currency. It is different from a barter system because valuables are given without expectation of reward.

People who wax poetic about gift economy will tell you there are many plusses. People are all equals since the hierarchy of net worth is missing. Everyone must work as a community, and jobs are given in a democratic way. The government does not need to spend so much time taxing and punishing people but instead focuses on assessing and meeting their needs. The community does not have to overproduce. With time freed by not needing to overproduce or spend time counting beans, people can “selfishly” pursue their own interests. The results can lead to breakthroughs that benefit everyone instead of being hoarded by a few. Resources are held in commons.

The act of gift giving creates bonds instead of receipts. It triggers reciprocity instead of debt. People might return the favor even bigger because people seek a sense of contribution. The only way to be “rich” is to work hard to amass things to give so you can have gift-giving prestige. Psychologists might tell you the connections made from gift economy lead to happiness and our traditional economy isolates us into depression.

There are examples of this around us already. Freecycle, Buy Nothing, Impossible, Open Source. To gain notice, artists and business people might offer free things.

Gift economy can be used in conjunction with barter, but that might not solve all the potential problems. It seems to depend on people being selfless as a whole. It requires faith that common needs like roads and special welfare for the unable will be taken care of.

Decommodification takes the things we’re used to paying for, and turns them into entitlements for all. If you’re interesting in switching our economy, how would you do so?

  1. nationalizing- the government buys up stock in private organizations
  2. revolution-perhaps after a feud between two political parties a liberal leader can draw people over to a separate economy
  3. unions- can be strengthened enough to rise from the oppression

We know that machines can do so much for us, and sometimes better than humans. Some of us fear this. We could be replaced and we require an income so what job would we have to take instead? In a gift economy machines free us from work so we can focus on the interests of our choice.

If you hear about gift economy, or live through it at something like Burning Man, you may be convinced. Or you may think it’s unfeasible. Would people with money want to give up their status and power over others? If they think gift economy will fail, they might focus on defending themselves from potential thieves from the gift economy who aren’t getting as much as they want. (How large of a wall would they need?) Would the media be honest about the successes of gift economy or focus on confirming the “chaos”?

Even if you aren’t affluent, you still might not find gift economy appealing. Collectively we might be able to survive as a species. Giving up creature comforts might be too big of a sacrifice. If you like working hard to collect unique resources, you might not like being held back by the community.

Capitalism might not always being an option. Automation risks jobs. The economy is unpredictable and difficult to study because it may be based on equilibrium theory and assume people will act rationally and in their best interest to maximize return. We don’t.

Some would be happy to see capitalism in the rear view. Gone would be the days where we are convinced we need to be controlled with money. Instead we could be civil just because we’re human. We could be driven for others instead of just ourselves. Gone would be the social stratification, seeing money as a means to an end, competing against each other for the opportunity to work. Gone would be the scarcity mindset and focusing on what you lack. Those hoarding wealth and depression could be set free.

 

This is how I’ve come to understand it, at least. What do you know about gift economy? What ideas does it inspire?

Nanowrimo 2019

“Why do I need a warning about NaNoWriMo?” my husband asks.

NaNoWriMo 2019 will be my second month of writing 1,667 words a day. My username is still Crookham, if you’re also signed up for the challenge.

I suppose my husband, after a baby in 2017 and 2018, is ready for this temporary month of voluntary sleeplessness. He’s ready for my mind to be elsewhere, for my chores to slip, and to order takeaway because I forgot food existed.

At least I’ll have something more interesting to chat about than baby poop.

What I’ve learned since last NaNoWriMo is that a novel should really be at least 60,000 words for a traditional publisher. So I’m prepared to also spend some of December reaching that minimum.

This book is exciting to me because it has something in common with Gender Chasm- a divided nation. It will also showcase what I’ve learned about pregnancy and newborns while these things are still young in my mind.

Would you ever attempt NaNoWriMo?

 

Wish me luck,

 

 

 

 

Update: I have decided to postpone writing my novel in a month until January. Another writing opportunity came up, a fellow writer needed feedback, my workload increased… Mostly I felt unprepared to write and although I was willing to try “pantsing” and see what ideas popped into my writing, the idea of editing a book not based on an outline I could reference was too intimidating.

When I think about my decision, I don’t feel relieved of the creating because I know the stress of daily writing will happen in two months instead (although January does have a built in “cheat day” since there are 31). Instead, I feel relieved that I am going to work on a project with my level of quality structure from the beginning, rather than forcing in plot after the first draft. This is how I know it’s the right thing for me to do.

Brewing Books

Author Ashley Crookham at Books and Brews

A post by another author caught my eye. She declared she wanted to come to Indiana just to visit our local restaurant chain. I decided it was time to make my own, postponed, trip happen.

Books & Brews” has a literary inspired menu of dishes and drinks. I met another writer there to eat (Slaughterhouse Five naan pizza, of course), admire the shelves of tomes, and ogle open cabinets of board games. It is the perfect place to bring the family, catch up with old friends, or even sneak off to plot.

Of course I mused what they would offer as “the” Gender Chasm. Perhaps a pie split into a pink strawberry side and a blueberry side with a crust divider between them?

Have you been to Books & Brews? Would you drive here to go? Have you been to other book themed restaurants?

 

 

 

Submitting to Submission

Gender Chasm is completed, thanks to Nanowrimo. I have edited it for content and sent it to beta readers for feedback on any plot confusion. When it comes back I will run it through AutoCrit again to smooth out any repetition and make better choices.

So now I sit back and relax.

Nope.

It is time for me to research potential publishers. This is my first foray into the Writer’s Market and I am fascinated. In 80 pages, I have gathered 27 initial potential publishers which I am sure will diminish upon further scrutiny.

Have you ever selected a book because you trusted the publisher? I think I might from now on. If you have a genre you enjoy, there is a certainly a book maker who specializes in it.

Here are some comments from what book publishers are seeking:

“Canadian authors only”

“Midwestern authors in a Midwestern setting”

“Hispanic literary creativity”

“LGBTQ-focused works only”

“targeting modern women”

“avoid cutesy”

“ask probing questions about the world around us”

“dark, edgy books”

“responds in 6-18 months if interested”

“include publishing history in query letter”

“a true literary marauder”

“does not consider erotica”

“as long as the romance element is strong”

“online submissions only”

“Do not fax or e-mail queries or mss”

 

I must confess, reading their desires left me wishing I had something in their niche (add a vampire, take out the sex, change my citizenship). However, I am proud of my work and will instead find a place comfortable with producing and marketing my type of novel.

Coffee Break

Calvin Fletcher’s Coffee Company

My first outing in Indy was to a coffee shop called Calvin Fletcher’s. I had breakfast, nursed my first daughter, and bought a bag of whole beans as a gift for in-laws. I imagined what our lives could be here, and hoped it would include writing.

As I finish editing Gender Chasm, I have been thinking about that trip. Many times I’ve desired to come back. Today I put my two children in daycare, left the house a mess, and brought my editing notebook with me to a table in the corner. I ordered my coffee “for here” so I wouldn’t be tempted to go home and check on the beef stew I have cooking for our house guests tonight.

I love the coffee shop atmosphere- mismatched plates, man buns, and music I wouldn’t normally listen to. If I hadn’t come I could have worked a little harder on scrubbing the kitchen. I could have made my own cup of black brew and not taken the risk of driving to the city.

Instead I took a coffee break.

 

Do you ever give yourself the breaks you deserve?

 

The Palm of My Hand

When you mention the word “author”, the first person I think of is a celebrity who seems to have it all together. She is prolific, travels broadly, and posts about her day to day life without mention of the struggles of creating something she’s ready to publish.

When you mention the word “writer”, the first person I think of is someone like me. Someone who is not ready to share their novel with the world. I think of other writers who drink, eat too much, give up, complain.

I am proud of my words in the newspaper. I am more proud of the short stories I’ve published. And to help ensure I’m one day proud of my novel, I’ve developed a healthy reward system for myself for completing my daily writing goals.

The reward is not a full glass of red wine (which I can’t indulge in while breastfeeding) or a handful of candy (which I can’t indulge in while setting a good example for my one year old). Instead I wear a piece of jewelry related to writing. I don’t wear it on the day I complete my goal. I wear it the next day. This means I have the jewelry on to inspire me to keep going. I like seeing it and thinking about the work I did. If I don’t complete my goal, I want to wear it and it further motivates me to meet my goal on that day.

This system has kept me happy, sober, and not in a sugar coma.

 

What do you do to stay motivated? What do you think of when you hear the words “author” and “writer”?