Blog

 

By: Ashley Crookham

 

Ashley studied Aging Services for 4 years and has 13 years of applied experience with seniors; with a specialty in memory care. She did no coursework in Children Services but had 3 babies in 3 years.

When your kids become verbal, there is such a relief. You finally have a venue for explaining to them how the world works and why things must happen the way they do. You elaborate. You repeat.

Yet telling a 2-year-old “It’s time to go- we’ve actually stayed 15 minutes longer than I wanted to” doesn’t seem to help them deal with the disappointment of pausing their fun.

I don’t think explaining helps with tantrums.

In fact, I think young children are very much like people with dementia.

If you’ve been lucky enough not to know someone with dementia, let me tell you a little about the behaviors they exhibit:

Short Attention span

Lack of ability to Communicate

Disproportionate amount of Anger

Propensity for Arguing

(Sound familiar to a 3-year-old throwing a fit in a store?)

The best advice I have about working with dementia patients is: There is no point in arguing.

People with dementia have feelings they are trying to express. When they don’t feel they have articulated them, the anger and arguing and physical behaviors come out.

One day when I was still dealing with tantrums in my three young children, stressed about the injustice of them not listening to rationale, I took a step back. I needed a new approach. Explaining to my kids wasn’t working because I hadn’t addressed their feelings first. They simply couldn’t listen.

For dementia patients, I use validation with success. I tried applying those techniques on my kids, and I no longer deal with tantrums. I see my children not as obstinate, but as people who are experiencing life as best they can. I don’t take things personally because I am seeing things through their perspective.

You can too.

If I see one of my three children (ages 2, 4, and 5) begin to get upset, I don’t ignore their feelings and try to force them to do what I need them to do.

I address what they are trying to tell me about their feelings. I express sympathy and remind them of their strength. Then I distract.

Example One- 5-year-old doesn’t want to put on her shoes?

1. Address their feelings- “You’re sad about going to daycare because you miss Kindergarten, aren’t you? You wish you were going to school today?”
2. Express Sympathy/Admiration- “You worked so hard in Kindergarten and we are so proud of you. We know it’s hard to wait until First Grade starts.”
3. Distract- “Put on your shoes and then tell me what things you think you’ll learn in First Grade.”

Example Two- 4-year-old doesn’t want to share a toy with her brother?

1. Address their feelings- “You’re mad because he’s playing with something you really like too, aren’t you? It would be nice if he would leave that toy alone.”
2. Express Sympathy/Admiration- “You are such a great big sister even when it’s not easy. We are so proud of how mature you are.”
3. Distract- “Ask him nicely for the toy and see if he is willing to share. If not, you and I can find something to exchange with him, so he wants to give it back. What do you think he would like more?”

Example Three- 2-year-old doesn’t want to go to the changing table?

1. Address their feelings- “You don’t want to get your diaper changed. You are really having fun and don’t want to stop.”
2. Express Sympathy/Admiration- “You’ve been a very sweet son today and I’ve loved spending time with you. It’s not easy to have to get your diaper changed when you don’t want to.”
3. Distract- “Can you pick out a book for us to read after we’re done getting you clean?”

Not dealing with tantrums leaves me in a better place for not having tantrums of my own. I used to automatically want to say no. Now I ask myself: why not? Usually the answer is that I’m angry with my kids for causing inconvenience. That isn’t fair to them.

There are still going to be changes they don’t like. Stick with them. Children will adjust. Acknowledge their feelings about it. Some other tips on avoiding tantrums are to:

1. Overlap requests. Before a child has a chance to argue about one thing I’ve asked them to do, I’m already talking about the next one. I ask in ways they are likely to say yes to. Such as “Can you turn off the sound machine by yourself?” rather than “It’s time to turn it off”.
2. Make things fun and silly. Smiling makes it hard to act angry.
3. Offer a hug. It’s a great way to remind them you love them.

Validation has made a huge difference in the harmony of my family, and I hope it works in yours too.